Waiting

Hello out there!  I am still here, still swirling, just not blogging.  Logged on today and found an unpublished draft that I wrote back in November, about waiting.  There is quite a bit more to the story here, but I guess I will start where I left off...

I would say that patience has never been my strength, but honestly, motherhood changed that and I think that now I can say that I am a fairly patient person. You kind of have to be to navigate a trip to Target with four young children before lunch time. But there is a certain kind of waiting, the kind over which I can exercise little control, that still tests me.
Today in America we cast our votes for President, and many of us are quite passionate about our choice. The waiting for the exit polls...the final results...the inevitable disputes...this kind of waiting usually gets to me, and it is no different today. There seems to be a tension in the air as well, and several folks I've talked to throughout the day are feeling it too.
Then there is the waiting for the results of medical tests...then waiting to speak with a doctor...then mulling over options trying to make the best decision...this all hit me pretty hard last month.
I have friends who are feeling the frustration of waiting for several things: a new job, the right time to start a new career, a long-awaited project to launch. All consumed by the wait time, what happens in between now and then.
It seems that this space that is waiting takes on a life all its own. In my case, my anxiety and worry tend to consume me. But there is also something so interesting about that waiting space...if we really can't control when we will "know" something, we can choose how we fill that space and time. Worry can only cause more problems, so that does not seem to be the wisest choice. I think that how we choose to live in those in-between spaces can reveal a great deal to us about our character. Sometimes it is easy to fill up the waiting with our old stories, the ones we may use to avoid any kind of real change. But what if we decided to create a new story for that space?
Perhaps waiting is really the prelude to possibility, and not just a means to an end.
Perhaps it is during the waiting that the real magic, the real work, is taking place. Something I have been pondering...

I had surgery back in January to remove the (thankfully!) benign mass that was taking up space on my fallopian tube.  All of the waiting for an answer...what is it? why is hurting me? is it cancerous?...served as a much need wake-up call about the way I take care of myself and look after this body that houses my soul.  So much to say here...

More about this soon...

We all shine on...

Last night I took a solo drive to chase the gorgeous full Harvest Moon. It was a partly cloudy night and she kept hiding behind the haze, only peeking out now and then to reveal her silver glow. This time of year, when the moon appears larger, and often brighter, reminds me that we all have the chance to shine again. No matter what darkness we have walked through, the time comes again when we shine brighter than ever. Happy Harvest Moon!

Transition and Being Brave

Here we are in our second week of the school year...I have had these ideas for this post swirling around in my head for the past several days with no idea how to get them out...

Back to school time for a highly sensitive mama with a couple of highly sensitive kids is an adventure for sure.  My oldest has started second grade, and this sweet shy boy who cried every day for the first half of his first grade year now describes school as "amazing" and has told me that I don't need to wave at the bus as he rides away.  Could you hear my big sigh there?  Part melancholy, part relief...and not ashamed to admit I followed the bus the first few days.

My second son, my little creative superstar, started kindergarten and while he seems to not mind the actual time at school,  the morning separation has been rough.  He was so excited to take the bus the first day you would have thought it was headed to Hogwarts.  But when he realized that taking the bus meant that I would not be there, he froze.  This has been a source of anxiety for him so I am driving him for the time being.  This helps...a little...but kindergarten is such a big transition year that we still have a few tears as we say goodbye.  Yesterday when I picked him up at the end of the day he came out BEAMING!  His teacher told me he had read aloud to the class!  I was proud, he was proud...it was a good day.  We need many many more good days...

And the twins...my little baby twinnies...have started preschool.  It is only twice a week for two hours but for them, it is huge.  It was a leap of faith to start them in the program as I am still nervous about how their speech delay will manifest...or not.  Today was their first day there without me.  My little guy sobbed his way into the classroom while his sister confidently took his hand and led the way.  I walked past the outside windows hearing him cry and could not hold back the tears myself.

This time of year has always been my favorite.  I love everything about autumn, including that this season I will celebrate my 39th birthday.  The seasonal transition so closely mirrors what is going on in my family right now...letting go of old ways and embracing new, being brave with the unknown and finding comfort in the warmth of our love for one another.

So this brings me to the idea of being brave.  Hannah Marcotti wrote this gorgeous piece last week.  Several bloggers that I follow have taken up this prompt as well, and it seemed time to add a few of my own:

Being brave is admitting that being a mama is damn hard.  Like really, intensely hard.

Being brave is leading the way with how I handle my own emotions so my children can feel confident in expressing their own.

Being brave is standing at the bus stop smiling when it is taking everything in me to not follow right behind that bus!

Being brave is telling my kindergartener how much I love him and to have a great day and then letting go of his hand as he begins his own new adventure...

Being brave is admitting to myself that while I rock as a mama of preschoolers, I still have a lot to learn about parenting school-aged kids.  A lifelong journey indeed!

Being brave is looking within and recognizing that I need to step up my own self-care.

Today is a beautiful Michigan late-summer day.  The sky is a clear deep blue and the weather is cool enough for a light jacket.  The tomatoes in my garden are still ripening.  The twins and I took a nice walk after school and I was able to really enjoy being with just the two of them...something that has not happened since they were born.  I look forward to having more time with them at home and getting to know them in a new way.  I am looking forward to many lunch picnics on the living room floor listening to Dan Zanes.  I am looking forward to picking up my big boys from school later this afternoon and hearing about the day.  I am looking forward to this new adventure in being brave.

"Be the kind of person you want your children to be."

The Wild Sister Manifesto took the place of a new moon vision board this month as it spoke to me so deeply. It hangs primitively with a piece of scotch tape between my bedroom window and the windowsill. I wanted to be able to see it when I opened my eyes every morning.

The one phrase that stood out to me most is "Be the kind of person you want your children to be.". This is a very humbling challenge if ever I heard one. I think as parents it is easy to lose sight of what we are modeling for our kids. Such a powerful reminder...I want my children to be joy-filled, to connect with their joy even when immediate situations or circumstances are not ideal. I want them to be free...to be who they are and to feel what they feel.

Each morning for the last couple weeks I have looked at this phrase and set the intention for my day. Once again, they are my little buddhas, guiding me on my journey as I guide them on theirs. Amazing...

Z, accessorized!

The Wild Sister Manifesto

with my big boys

happy boy early morning

Daring Bakers August 2012 Challenge: Pate a Choux

 Kat of The Bobwhites was our August 2012 Daring Baker hostess who inspired us to have fun in creating pate a choux shapes, filled with crème patisserie or Chantilly cream. We were encouraged to create swans or any shape we wanted and to go crazy with filling flavors allowing our creativity to go wild!

Swans did not exactly happen here.  I had some extra helpers in the kitchen. ;)  But we did make some pretty delicious cream puffs!

This was my first time making choux pastry.  I found it to be a much easier process than I expected.  I could see how some very beautiful presentations could be created, and I will link to some of my fellow Daring Bakers below.  But first, check out Kat's swans!  Seriously impressive, right?

For filling I chose to make a chantilly cream with honey.  It was quite delicious and had a more gentle sweetness than the usual pastry cream.  I added a dollop of chocolate frosting at the request of my little helpers.  They loved it, but I think if I make these again I will top with a maple honey glaze.  And cinnamon...yes definitely.

Here's a sampling of a couple others who took this month's challenge.  Thank you, Kat, for the sweet treat!

Renata's Swans & Crabs

Nutella Eclairs

New Moon Intentions: Gratitude and Abundance

I'm a couple days late posting my intentions for this new moon.  For this August moon I will be focusing on gratitude and abundance.  I found this fitting as the kids are about to go back to school in a couple weeks and I know it will be kind of chaotic as we get back into the swing of things.  As we are no strangers to chaos (that's how we roll!) I would like to spend the next couple weeks feeling grateful for our time together this summer and creating a peaceful haven for everyone to come back to at the end of the day.

I go into "creating a peaceful haven" mode quite often and while I am able to make small but powerful changes, it is hard to make them stick.  I often will flip back into "if only I could get these pillows or these chairs or remodel this or that..."  So as I do this during this month, I want to remember that I do not necessarily "need" to procure any more "things" to make our environment more peaceful, and perhaps acknowledging and showing gratitude for what we already have will go a long way in keeping to a more positive, more abundant state of mind.

I can't believe the new school year is almost upon us!  L will be in 2nd grade, C in kindergarten, and the twins starting a new preschool program.  Lots of changes for us here!  In the meantime we're going to enjoy the end of summer vacation and start preparing for the new with a grateful heart.  Many blessings!

Gratitude

Sometimes just looking at the day through a different lens puts things into perspective.